 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
The Notes and the Melody, Part V:
The Core Qualities and the Accelerators
By Mario Sikora
(© 2006 Mario Sikora. This article originally appeared in the September
2006 issue of "The Enneagram Monthly")
The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever;
but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and
in these, the spirit blooms…
George Santayana
There is a lack of romance, perhaps, in all this talk of genes and biology and
neural rewiring in the previous articles in this series. Where is the “heart,” one might
ask, the aspiration to something more majestic contained in this view of the psyche?
Pragmatic though this model of the Enneagram is, the spirit does bloom and it is
found in the “Core Qualities.” This article addresses the Core Qualities—aspects of
human nature that make up the best of what we are and point to the potential of
what we can be. It also addresses the “Accelerators”—practices that aid in the
development of the qualities. Though I’ve referred to them as “Basic Qualities” in
past articles and trainings, the word “basic” never felt quite right—it seems a bit too
flat and lacking precision. “Core” qualities seems to work better, pointing to
something at the heart of our experience; something essential.(1)
I can’t promise that the word won’t change again someday, however.
Looking back over the previous articles in this series,(2) we see that the notes we
use to compose our individual melodies are falling into place: The instincts are non-
conscious drives that urge us to satisfy our needs, shape our values, and ensure
our survival and the survival of our genes. The strategies are the habitual themes
of how we go about satisfying those needs and interacting with the world; in a
sense, they are about the ways that we do. The inner triangle of the Enneagram,
what I described as the “Awareness to Action Process”TM, is a method for how we
can grow to navigate our world in more adaptive ways. The core qualities, as you
will see, are ways of being, states that we experience and that comprise our deeper
sense of self.
These qualities are not all-inclusive—there are numerous aspects of the human
condition, both positive and negative, that could be discussed. Nor can they be
traced to any single genetic or neural source, and any discussion of an
evolutionarily adaptive explanation for them would be mere speculation. Thus, I can’
t explain the “why” of this list of qualities, but it is a list that maps well to the
Enneagram and has proven to be useful for growth.
Since May of 2003 I’ve had the indescribable joy of watching my three boys,
Adrian, Alec, and Alexei, enter the world. Upon arrival, each one possessed
qualities shared by each one of us—qualities that, though immature in form, are the
root of something that will be much greater with the proper nurturing. The best way
to understand the core qualities is to start with what they look like in very young
children and contrast that with what it will look like when more fully formed.
When a child comes into the world, one’s response to them is intuitive and
emotional rather than logical. From a coldly rational perspective a baby is a debit on
the balance sheet rather than an asset. They disrupt your life, ruin your sleep, cost
you money in ways you couldn’t have imagined, and mess up your favorite shirts.
The older they get, the more they cost and the grander the scale of trouble they
can cause. It is a miracle that anyone has children.
And yet….
When the nurse places them on the table to clean them and weigh them and you
have finished counting their fingers and toes—ensuring that there are ten of each—
and you see that there are no noticeable physical problems that you have to worry
about, you realize that you cherish these little nine-pound “debits” more than life
itself. (Yes, I said nine pounds; we breed them big in the Sikora household.) After
you take them home you observe them and the way that others respond to them
and the nine core qualities start to become clear.
The first quality you are struck with in the presence of an infant is basic,
fundamental goodness. When you look at them you do not see evil, sin, or moral
short-coming; you see something pure, a moral cleanness, a radiance. The child
also possesses a quality of objectivity—the absence of the preconceptions,
judgments, and prejudices that the rest of us carry around. You notice the merging,
or compassion, between mother and child, the child’s ability to key into the mother’s
emotions and read the subtle signals of mood and response.(3)
When you go out into the world with your child you see the way complete strangers
react to his presence—stopping to marvel, smiling and opening doors, gathering to
“ooh” and “ahh”—and you realize the value that people see in infants regardless of
their lack of contribution to the common good. Despite the compulsive need we
have to figure out what family members a newborn child looks like, each child is
different, with their own individual fingerprints, footprints, DNA, and personality.
(When our first child was born, a nurse turned to me and said, “He looks like you,
but in a good way.”) The lack of a fully-formed prefrontal cortex means that infants
respond to their environment instinctively and intuitively, relying on their non-
conscious processing rather than logic to guide them in problem resolution.
The young child has a persistent confidence in its ability to get what it wants and a
relentless will to get the things that will satisfy his survival needs. At about three
months you smile at the baby and he smiles back; and sometimes he smiles for no
discernible reason beyond an inherent feeling of joy or well-being. Soon that smile
turns into a chortle and then a laugh and suddenly there is more light in the world. A
few months later, the child’s energy and vitality become evident. When they are
engaged there is perpetual movement marked by incessant exploring,
experimenting, and testing of limits. (For about a month after my second son started
walking it often required two adults to change his diaper because he simply refused
to be still. Even today, at 22 months, when he is not otherwise engaged he will
stand in the middle of the living room and spin dervish-like to his own inner music.)
The paragraphs above provide us with a list of nine core qualities that map to the
points of the Enneagram: Benevolence (Point 9), Objectivity (1), Compassion (2),
Value (3), Individuality (4), Intuition (5), Will (6), Joy (7), and Vitality (8). These
qualities are not fully formed in the infant (they, like the child, are in their infancy),
and there is nothing mystical about them. They are not analogous to Platonic Forms
and they will not appear in full glory if we “just stop doing our personality.” They
need to be nurtured so they can mature and unfold over time.
A useful metaphor for understanding this evolving and developmental nature of
the core qualities is the acorn and the oak tree. The maturation of an oak tree
depends on a number of factors. The genetic code needs to be intact, with the oak
tree having passed on a complete set of instructions to its offspring. Likewise,
external factors have to be just right—the acorn must find its way to fertile soil and
then be blessed with adequate water and sunlight. Working together, these factors
affect the growth of an acorn, determining whether it takes root at all, whether it
grows tall and strong, or whether its growth is stunted. Nutrients aside, the
fundamental components of the oak tree are contained in the acorn and the acorn
will eventually grow into an oak tree, but the acorn is not an oak tree yet.
The core qualities work the same way. Benevolence, for example, is an inherent
aspect of the human condition and it is found in every child but it looks very
different in an infant than it does in a 15-year old than it does in a mature 50-year
old. These qualities cannot be rushed into maturity; they need seasoning and
experience to come to full fruition. You can no more force their development than
you can get an oak tree to grow by pulling on its branches. You can only create
favorable conditions for and minimize impediments to their growth.
Unfortunately, in the same way that not every acorn becomes an oak tree, most of
us are out of touch with our core qualities and they remain stunted if we don’t know
how to nurture their growth.
Before describing the core qualities further, let’s look at how their development
becomes impeded.
At first, the parent is charmed by these qualities in the child. They are, after all, the
heart of the human condition, the glue that binds us together. Soon, however,
something starts to change. As the parent (and others in the holding environment)
starts to focus on socializing the child, the child picks up signals and messages that
cause him to start losing confidence in these fundamental ways of being.
The child starts to hear “Be a good boy for Mommy today,” “Stop that; that’s bad!”
and a host of other messages delivered unintentionally that causes him to lose
confidence in Benevolence or his inherent “goodness.” (After all, I must not be
inherently good if I have to be told to be good.)
The child starts to adopt the biases and prejudices of the parents and adding her
own along the way, losing touch with Objectivity.
Disappointment in the parent’s ability to satisfy every need causes resentment in
the child, which combined with a bombardment of messages from society
advocating self-interest and hostility, lead to a turning inward that stunts the
development of Compassion.
Soon, the child has to start demonstrating her Value rather than having it
assumed. She has to perform to gain the acceptance of others—cleaning her room,
doing her homework, getting good grades, and so on. The feeling of inherent worth
becomes like a distant memory.
The child receives constant messages labeling who and what he is, filtered
through the lenses of other people, and is constantly reminded of his similarities to
his parents. He struggles to individuate, searching for identity and struggling to
recognize his Individuality.
The child is nearly overwhelmed by her feelings of incompetence—constantly
reminded that she doesn’t know anything about life. The things that adults seem to
know, the secrets to navigating life that seem to come so naturally others, are
mysteries to her. As a result she no longer trusts her Intuition or non-conscious
“knowing.”
The child learns that danger lurks everywhere. “Don’t touch that stove!” “Stay out
of the street!” “Don’t trust strangers!” These messages, combined with the
perceived incompetence mentioned above, lead to an impediment to the maturation
of Will. The child feels he simply may not have the knowledge and skills necessary
to survive—let alone thrive—on his own.
“Stop being silly,” “Quit fooling around,” “It’s not time for playing.” “What are you
smiling about?” These, and a thousand phrases like them, serve as arrows into the
heart of Joy; and the child learns to repress her exuberance.
“Calm down and sit still.” “Put that down and get back in the shopping cart.” “Sit up
straight and pay attention to the teacher.” Messages, all, that too much Vitality is
disruptive and unacceptable.
As parents, authority figures, members of society as a whole, we act in many ways
that impede the development of the core qualities in our children. When I teach this
material to an audience I joke that as a parent I am fulfilling my social responsibility
by stepping on the core qualities of my children, but I try to step lightly. (Zen teacher
Cheri Huber(4) once relayed a piece of parenting advice that she held dear: “No
matter what you do, you are going to screw up your children; pick a way that is
convenient for you.”)
It is unfair, and certainly unrealistic, to blame parents, authority figures, and
society as a whole for impeding the development of the core qualities in our
children. We each carry our own inadequacies, ignorance, and wounds into our
relationships with our children. Socialization needs to occur or our children will grow
into non-functioning adults and chaos will reign in our world (even more than it
seems to now). And children are flat-out exhausting; it is difficult for any parent to
match their energy. Sometimes we just need them to sit down, be quiet, and watch
Barney for a while.
We can, however, do our best to recognize these budding core qualities and step
lightly, being prepared to remedy the unintended consequences of socialization by
understanding how to nurture the qualities.
We each have all nine of the core qualities and we are all conflicted and doubting
in these areas. However, each personality type seems to have a heightened
relationship to the core quality located at the Enneagram point that corresponds to
their type. A person of a given type both demonstrates the quality as a marked trait
of their personality and is especially sensitive to the loss of confidence in that
quality. In addition, the preferred strategy(5) sometimes serves as a substitute for
the corresponding core quality. Thus a Seven seems to be a bit more joyful than
most, but also experiences an inner sense of the loss of, lack of trust in, or
disconnection from the core quality of Joy. Sometimes the Seven’s preferred
strategy of “Striving to be Excited” serves as an unconscious attempt to recapture
the joy that feels lost. But this substitution is ultimately unsatisfying; like trying to
sooth an itch on the left shoulder by scratching the right. In the Seven’s case, Joy is
a way of being that comes from inside while the “Striving to be Excited” is way of
doing that generally comes from external stimulation or manufactured mental
chatter. The two have a similar feel, and they might seem to be the same when we
are functioning on autopilot and trapped in our story; but they are different aspects
of the human experience.
While there is a correlation between core qualities and the strategies, one should
not assume causation. There is a consistent similarity between the two at each point
of the Enneagram and there is a consistent relationship of each Ennea-type to its
core quality and the qualities at the points that it connects to via the inner lines of
the Enneagram. Thus, I as an Eight have a specific relationship to the core qualities
at Enneagram points Two and Five, just as I do with the strategies found at those
points. But this, plus the fact that the strategies sometimes serve as substitutes for
the qualities, does not necessarily mean that the strategies stem from the wounding
or impediment of the qualities. That is, we do not have personalities based on
preferred strategies because we have lost touch with something more “real;” we
have personalities because we need a structure for orderly interaction with our
world.
Since one is a way of doing and the other is an aspect of being, and since both
doing and being are essential elements of the human condition, it seems that the
strategies and the core qualities are related and perhaps even interdependent
phenomena. Any assignment of causation, however, would be speculative at best.
When I first started teaching the core qualities to my coaching clients (the concept
is a bit too nuanced for most corporate group audiences), I taught them that step
one in growth was to apply the Awareness to Action ProcessTM to their strategies
and step two was to watch for their natural tendency to express the core qualities.
When they saw the quality, they should nurture it and give it room to breathe so it
could develop and mature, rather than ignoring or repressing it as we have all been
taught to do. Eventually, however, I realized that an intermediate step was needed,
that there were specific practices assisted in the development and maturation of the
qualities. Thus was born “the Accelerators.”
As we said, you can’t make an oak tree grow by pulling on it, and you can’t force
the maturation of the core qualities. The accelerators, however, are actions we can
take that will till and nourish the soil in which the qualities grow.
It is important to make something very clear before examining the core qualities
and accelerators further: As with the strategies and the instincts discussed in earlier
articles, the core qualities are not exclusive to the personality type that corresponds
to a given Enneagram point. We all have the capacity use all nine strategies, and
we all tap into each of those capacities at different times and to different degrees.
And because our behavioral traits are based on habitual use of the strategies, we
all display some traits of all of the types. What makes someone a Four, however, is
that the strategy at Point Four, striving to be unique, is their preferred strategy; it is
the one they habitually depend upon more than the others to navigate their lives
and it most visibly affects the traits one sees in Fours. We all also have access to,
and are driven by, all three sets of instinctive clusters, but one is dominant and
influences our behaviors and values more than the other two. Likewise, we all have
all nine core qualities and the “issues” that relate to them, but one seems to be
more of an issue; we demonstrate our particular (and often immature) version of it
more often and feel its lack of development more acutely than we do the other eight.
Let’s look at each point of the Enneagram and see what the core qualities look like
in immature and mature forms and the corresponding accelerator. This installment
of “The Notes and the Melody” will address Point One; future articles will address
the others.
“First there is a mountain then there is no mountain, then there is.”
Donovan
The Zen statement about the mountain that Donovan paraphrases in his lyric
points to a pattern of the mind: When we first glance at a mountain off in the
distance, it barely registers with us. Yes, there is a mountain, but it carries no
significance to us. When we begin to pay attention to the mountain, we start to wrap
concepts around it—we think of our love of skiing and hiking, our fear of falling off
the mountain, the marvel of plate tectonics—and the mountain disappears from our
awareness. When we let go of the concepts, we experience the mountain again, but
our experience is somehow richer. Our experience with the core quality found at
Point One, Objectivity, works in a similar way. (Merriam-Webster defines “objectivity”
as “expressing or dealing with facts or conditions as perceived without distortion by
personal feelings, prejudices, or interpretations,” a definition that works well here.)
We enter the world, while not blank slates,(6) largely free from the prejudices and
preconceptions that come to mark us later in life. The young child see things with as
if for the first time because they often are seeing things for the first time. But this
objectivity starts to fade quickly. Interpretations of past events stick to us like
barnacles and we project these interpretations onto reasonably similar experiences
that occur later. As discussed in Part Four of this series, it is human nature to
create stories, to wrap concepts around our experiences and fit them into a larger
context. At the same time, we recognize the need to maintain objectivity—not to
rush to judgment, to look for supporting facts, to keep an open mind. Thus we have
an inner conflict—a brain structured to both rush to judgment and recognize the
need to be nonjudgmental. (A similar internal conflict is found at the core quality at
each Enneagram point.)
Ones struggle with this dilemma more acutely than the rest of us: they judge while
touting their unemotional objectivity. The problem is that they struggle to separate
from their judgments long enough to see if they are being open-minded and seeing
a situation based on its own merits rather than their expectations of it and their
personal sense of correct and incorrect. Like each of us, but only more so, Ones
believe that their prejudices, preconceptions, and opinions are based on objective
data even when they are not. They maintain a demeanor of logic and rationality
while struggling to rein in subjective judgments.
Ones grow when they take time to nurture true Objectivity, the willingness to rest in
a place of non-judgment and calmly see events in a larger context rather than
squeezing them into the confines of their rigidly defined story.
Ones can create an environment that nurtures this quality by practicing the
accelerator of Acceptance (“to endure without protest or reaction; to regard as
normal, proper, or inevitable”). Ones tend to form opinions quickly, hold them tight,
and reject that which does not meet their standards or expectations. Ones benefit
from embracing—rather than fighting or resenting—the fact that the world is as it is
rather than as they think it should be. A useful practice to break out of this trap is
for Ones to look at the characteristics or behaviors they reject or judge in others (or
themselves) and “endure them without protest” at first and grow to “regard them as
normal.”
Sticking with the theme of taking baby steps discussed in the last article, I
generally recommend to Ones that they focus on one behavior of one person as a
starting point for practicing acceptance. I encourage them to calibrate their
expectations about the person in question and create a broader context for the
“offending” behavior so it becomes less troublesome.
That is, ask questions such as: Is this person capable of change? Is the behavior
really so offensive? Is it possible that I am overreacting? Is this behavior something I
can live with? Then, reframe the situation so it can be palatable—“This really isn’t
so bad,” “Her good qualities far outweigh the bad,” “Maybe I’m being too
demanding,” etc.
Here is an example of one recent intervention. (Although it was a business client
that I was coaching, it seemed most effective to start her off with a personal matter.)
Mary is a One who was often frustrated with her husband, Tom’s, inability to return
from a trip to the market with all the items she asked him to purchase. She tried
everything—writing detailed lists, calling him on his cell phone while he was at the
market to check on his progress, getting angry with him; she even tried rationally
discussing the issue to see if there was something she was doing that contributed to
this behavior that she found so infuriating. Nothing seemed to work. This issue,
while seeming harmless enough, came to epitomize what Mary viewed as Tom’s
callous inattention to the way things are supposed to be done.
When Mary discussed the situation with me, I did not debate with her about
whether her reaction Tom’s behavior was right or wrong. Instead, I asked if she felt
that her efforts were having the desired effect of making Tom remember everything
at the market and be more attentive to detail in general.
“No,” she said. “But he should be able to bring home everything I ask for.”
“That may be the case,” I said, sheepishly aware that my wife has the same
complaint about me. “But what I asked was: Are your current tactics creating the
desired changes in Tom?”
“No, they are not,” Mary said.
As we continued to discuss the situation, Mary came to realize that this one
behavior of Tom’s was not a deal-breaker; that while irritating, it didn’t happen every
time he went to the store and that even when it did happen the only real
consequence was the inconvenience of Tom having to go back to the store to
purchase what he forgot. Mary agreed to accept that Tom, like many people, is
sometimes absent-minded and that it wasn’t worth the energy to change this about
him even if she had the ability to do so. With this acceptance came the agreement
that she would not judge Tom negatively on this specific behavior, though she was
free to still criticize as much as she wanted to about all of Tom’s other irritating
behaviors. (Sorry, Tom; we’re working with baby steps here. Eventually Mary’s
acceptance will carry over into other areas.)
The aim of this sort of acceptance is the practice of letting go of useless
judgments. By focusing on what small behavior to accept in oneself or another, the
One (and all the rest of us) develops the habit of objectively seeing judgments rise
up and letting go of them. This letting go of judgment helps us see events and
actions clearly and on their own terms rather than on terms that we set for them. As
we continue to consciously practice Acceptance, the quality of Objectivity, no longer
finding itself repressed or rejected, will blossom.
And then the mountain is.
(Mario Sikora is co-author, with Robert Tallon, of “Awareness to Action: The
Enneagram, Emotional Intelligence and Change.” He can be reached at
mario@mariosikora.com.)
Footnotes:
(1) This concept was inspired by, but is different from, the concept of the
“essential aspects” found in the work of AH Almaas and Sandra Maitri. Their
“aspects” seem to have a transcendent quality similar to the Platonic Forms. That
is, they seem to be qualities of a consciousness that extends beyond the personal
and that are “eternally and primordially itself” (Almaas, “Inner Journey Home,” pg
136). The ideas described in this article are not quite as ambitious.
(2)These articles can be found on my website at www.mariosikora.com.
(3)Studies show that babies demonstrate empathy for other babies from birth,
indicating that it is a hard-wired quality. (“Reading Your Baby’s Mind,” by Pat
Wingert and Martha Brant in “Newsweek,” August 15, 2005.)
(4)Cheri is one of my heroes. I heartily encourage the reader to explore her books
(especially “There’s Nothing Wrong With You”) and visit her website at www.
livingcompassion.org. While you’re there, make a contribution to the Africa
Vulnerable Children Project, which supports AIDS orphans on that continent.
(5)See Part Two of this series at www.mariosikora.com for a discussion of the
Strategies.
(6) See Steven Pinker’s book “The Blank Slate” for an excellent discussion of this
topic.
The Core Qualities and the Accelerators
By Mario Sikora
(© 2006 Mario Sikora. This article originally appeared in the September
2006 issue of "The Enneagram Monthly")
The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever;
but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and
in these, the spirit blooms…
George Santayana
There is a lack of romance, perhaps, in all this talk of genes and biology and
neural rewiring in the previous articles in this series. Where is the “heart,” one might
ask, the aspiration to something more majestic contained in this view of the psyche?
Pragmatic though this model of the Enneagram is, the spirit does bloom and it is
found in the “Core Qualities.” This article addresses the Core Qualities—aspects of
human nature that make up the best of what we are and point to the potential of
what we can be. It also addresses the “Accelerators”—practices that aid in the
development of the qualities. Though I’ve referred to them as “Basic Qualities” in
past articles and trainings, the word “basic” never felt quite right—it seems a bit too
flat and lacking precision. “Core” qualities seems to work better, pointing to
something at the heart of our experience; something essential.(1)
I can’t promise that the word won’t change again someday, however.
Looking back over the previous articles in this series,(2) we see that the notes we
use to compose our individual melodies are falling into place: The instincts are non-
conscious drives that urge us to satisfy our needs, shape our values, and ensure
our survival and the survival of our genes. The strategies are the habitual themes
of how we go about satisfying those needs and interacting with the world; in a
sense, they are about the ways that we do. The inner triangle of the Enneagram,
what I described as the “Awareness to Action Process”TM, is a method for how we
can grow to navigate our world in more adaptive ways. The core qualities, as you
will see, are ways of being, states that we experience and that comprise our deeper
sense of self.
These qualities are not all-inclusive—there are numerous aspects of the human
condition, both positive and negative, that could be discussed. Nor can they be
traced to any single genetic or neural source, and any discussion of an
evolutionarily adaptive explanation for them would be mere speculation. Thus, I can’
t explain the “why” of this list of qualities, but it is a list that maps well to the
Enneagram and has proven to be useful for growth.
Since May of 2003 I’ve had the indescribable joy of watching my three boys,
Adrian, Alec, and Alexei, enter the world. Upon arrival, each one possessed
qualities shared by each one of us—qualities that, though immature in form, are the
root of something that will be much greater with the proper nurturing. The best way
to understand the core qualities is to start with what they look like in very young
children and contrast that with what it will look like when more fully formed.
When a child comes into the world, one’s response to them is intuitive and
emotional rather than logical. From a coldly rational perspective a baby is a debit on
the balance sheet rather than an asset. They disrupt your life, ruin your sleep, cost
you money in ways you couldn’t have imagined, and mess up your favorite shirts.
The older they get, the more they cost and the grander the scale of trouble they
can cause. It is a miracle that anyone has children.
And yet….
When the nurse places them on the table to clean them and weigh them and you
have finished counting their fingers and toes—ensuring that there are ten of each—
and you see that there are no noticeable physical problems that you have to worry
about, you realize that you cherish these little nine-pound “debits” more than life
itself. (Yes, I said nine pounds; we breed them big in the Sikora household.) After
you take them home you observe them and the way that others respond to them
and the nine core qualities start to become clear.
The first quality you are struck with in the presence of an infant is basic,
fundamental goodness. When you look at them you do not see evil, sin, or moral
short-coming; you see something pure, a moral cleanness, a radiance. The child
also possesses a quality of objectivity—the absence of the preconceptions,
judgments, and prejudices that the rest of us carry around. You notice the merging,
or compassion, between mother and child, the child’s ability to key into the mother’s
emotions and read the subtle signals of mood and response.(3)
When you go out into the world with your child you see the way complete strangers
react to his presence—stopping to marvel, smiling and opening doors, gathering to
“ooh” and “ahh”—and you realize the value that people see in infants regardless of
their lack of contribution to the common good. Despite the compulsive need we
have to figure out what family members a newborn child looks like, each child is
different, with their own individual fingerprints, footprints, DNA, and personality.
(When our first child was born, a nurse turned to me and said, “He looks like you,
but in a good way.”) The lack of a fully-formed prefrontal cortex means that infants
respond to their environment instinctively and intuitively, relying on their non-
conscious processing rather than logic to guide them in problem resolution.
The young child has a persistent confidence in its ability to get what it wants and a
relentless will to get the things that will satisfy his survival needs. At about three
months you smile at the baby and he smiles back; and sometimes he smiles for no
discernible reason beyond an inherent feeling of joy or well-being. Soon that smile
turns into a chortle and then a laugh and suddenly there is more light in the world. A
few months later, the child’s energy and vitality become evident. When they are
engaged there is perpetual movement marked by incessant exploring,
experimenting, and testing of limits. (For about a month after my second son started
walking it often required two adults to change his diaper because he simply refused
to be still. Even today, at 22 months, when he is not otherwise engaged he will
stand in the middle of the living room and spin dervish-like to his own inner music.)
The paragraphs above provide us with a list of nine core qualities that map to the
points of the Enneagram: Benevolence (Point 9), Objectivity (1), Compassion (2),
Value (3), Individuality (4), Intuition (5), Will (6), Joy (7), and Vitality (8). These
qualities are not fully formed in the infant (they, like the child, are in their infancy),
and there is nothing mystical about them. They are not analogous to Platonic Forms
and they will not appear in full glory if we “just stop doing our personality.” They
need to be nurtured so they can mature and unfold over time.
A useful metaphor for understanding this evolving and developmental nature of
the core qualities is the acorn and the oak tree. The maturation of an oak tree
depends on a number of factors. The genetic code needs to be intact, with the oak
tree having passed on a complete set of instructions to its offspring. Likewise,
external factors have to be just right—the acorn must find its way to fertile soil and
then be blessed with adequate water and sunlight. Working together, these factors
affect the growth of an acorn, determining whether it takes root at all, whether it
grows tall and strong, or whether its growth is stunted. Nutrients aside, the
fundamental components of the oak tree are contained in the acorn and the acorn
will eventually grow into an oak tree, but the acorn is not an oak tree yet.
The core qualities work the same way. Benevolence, for example, is an inherent
aspect of the human condition and it is found in every child but it looks very
different in an infant than it does in a 15-year old than it does in a mature 50-year
old. These qualities cannot be rushed into maturity; they need seasoning and
experience to come to full fruition. You can no more force their development than
you can get an oak tree to grow by pulling on its branches. You can only create
favorable conditions for and minimize impediments to their growth.
Unfortunately, in the same way that not every acorn becomes an oak tree, most of
us are out of touch with our core qualities and they remain stunted if we don’t know
how to nurture their growth.
Before describing the core qualities further, let’s look at how their development
becomes impeded.
At first, the parent is charmed by these qualities in the child. They are, after all, the
heart of the human condition, the glue that binds us together. Soon, however,
something starts to change. As the parent (and others in the holding environment)
starts to focus on socializing the child, the child picks up signals and messages that
cause him to start losing confidence in these fundamental ways of being.
The child starts to hear “Be a good boy for Mommy today,” “Stop that; that’s bad!”
and a host of other messages delivered unintentionally that causes him to lose
confidence in Benevolence or his inherent “goodness.” (After all, I must not be
inherently good if I have to be told to be good.)
The child starts to adopt the biases and prejudices of the parents and adding her
own along the way, losing touch with Objectivity.
Disappointment in the parent’s ability to satisfy every need causes resentment in
the child, which combined with a bombardment of messages from society
advocating self-interest and hostility, lead to a turning inward that stunts the
development of Compassion.
Soon, the child has to start demonstrating her Value rather than having it
assumed. She has to perform to gain the acceptance of others—cleaning her room,
doing her homework, getting good grades, and so on. The feeling of inherent worth
becomes like a distant memory.
The child receives constant messages labeling who and what he is, filtered
through the lenses of other people, and is constantly reminded of his similarities to
his parents. He struggles to individuate, searching for identity and struggling to
recognize his Individuality.
The child is nearly overwhelmed by her feelings of incompetence—constantly
reminded that she doesn’t know anything about life. The things that adults seem to
know, the secrets to navigating life that seem to come so naturally others, are
mysteries to her. As a result she no longer trusts her Intuition or non-conscious
“knowing.”
The child learns that danger lurks everywhere. “Don’t touch that stove!” “Stay out
of the street!” “Don’t trust strangers!” These messages, combined with the
perceived incompetence mentioned above, lead to an impediment to the maturation
of Will. The child feels he simply may not have the knowledge and skills necessary
to survive—let alone thrive—on his own.
“Stop being silly,” “Quit fooling around,” “It’s not time for playing.” “What are you
smiling about?” These, and a thousand phrases like them, serve as arrows into the
heart of Joy; and the child learns to repress her exuberance.
“Calm down and sit still.” “Put that down and get back in the shopping cart.” “Sit up
straight and pay attention to the teacher.” Messages, all, that too much Vitality is
disruptive and unacceptable.
As parents, authority figures, members of society as a whole, we act in many ways
that impede the development of the core qualities in our children. When I teach this
material to an audience I joke that as a parent I am fulfilling my social responsibility
by stepping on the core qualities of my children, but I try to step lightly. (Zen teacher
Cheri Huber(4) once relayed a piece of parenting advice that she held dear: “No
matter what you do, you are going to screw up your children; pick a way that is
convenient for you.”)
It is unfair, and certainly unrealistic, to blame parents, authority figures, and
society as a whole for impeding the development of the core qualities in our
children. We each carry our own inadequacies, ignorance, and wounds into our
relationships with our children. Socialization needs to occur or our children will grow
into non-functioning adults and chaos will reign in our world (even more than it
seems to now). And children are flat-out exhausting; it is difficult for any parent to
match their energy. Sometimes we just need them to sit down, be quiet, and watch
Barney for a while.
We can, however, do our best to recognize these budding core qualities and step
lightly, being prepared to remedy the unintended consequences of socialization by
understanding how to nurture the qualities.
We each have all nine of the core qualities and we are all conflicted and doubting
in these areas. However, each personality type seems to have a heightened
relationship to the core quality located at the Enneagram point that corresponds to
their type. A person of a given type both demonstrates the quality as a marked trait
of their personality and is especially sensitive to the loss of confidence in that
quality. In addition, the preferred strategy(5) sometimes serves as a substitute for
the corresponding core quality. Thus a Seven seems to be a bit more joyful than
most, but also experiences an inner sense of the loss of, lack of trust in, or
disconnection from the core quality of Joy. Sometimes the Seven’s preferred
strategy of “Striving to be Excited” serves as an unconscious attempt to recapture
the joy that feels lost. But this substitution is ultimately unsatisfying; like trying to
sooth an itch on the left shoulder by scratching the right. In the Seven’s case, Joy is
a way of being that comes from inside while the “Striving to be Excited” is way of
doing that generally comes from external stimulation or manufactured mental
chatter. The two have a similar feel, and they might seem to be the same when we
are functioning on autopilot and trapped in our story; but they are different aspects
of the human experience.
While there is a correlation between core qualities and the strategies, one should
not assume causation. There is a consistent similarity between the two at each point
of the Enneagram and there is a consistent relationship of each Ennea-type to its
core quality and the qualities at the points that it connects to via the inner lines of
the Enneagram. Thus, I as an Eight have a specific relationship to the core qualities
at Enneagram points Two and Five, just as I do with the strategies found at those
points. But this, plus the fact that the strategies sometimes serve as substitutes for
the qualities, does not necessarily mean that the strategies stem from the wounding
or impediment of the qualities. That is, we do not have personalities based on
preferred strategies because we have lost touch with something more “real;” we
have personalities because we need a structure for orderly interaction with our
world.
Since one is a way of doing and the other is an aspect of being, and since both
doing and being are essential elements of the human condition, it seems that the
strategies and the core qualities are related and perhaps even interdependent
phenomena. Any assignment of causation, however, would be speculative at best.
When I first started teaching the core qualities to my coaching clients (the concept
is a bit too nuanced for most corporate group audiences), I taught them that step
one in growth was to apply the Awareness to Action ProcessTM to their strategies
and step two was to watch for their natural tendency to express the core qualities.
When they saw the quality, they should nurture it and give it room to breathe so it
could develop and mature, rather than ignoring or repressing it as we have all been
taught to do. Eventually, however, I realized that an intermediate step was needed,
that there were specific practices assisted in the development and maturation of the
qualities. Thus was born “the Accelerators.”
As we said, you can’t make an oak tree grow by pulling on it, and you can’t force
the maturation of the core qualities. The accelerators, however, are actions we can
take that will till and nourish the soil in which the qualities grow.
It is important to make something very clear before examining the core qualities
and accelerators further: As with the strategies and the instincts discussed in earlier
articles, the core qualities are not exclusive to the personality type that corresponds
to a given Enneagram point. We all have the capacity use all nine strategies, and
we all tap into each of those capacities at different times and to different degrees.
And because our behavioral traits are based on habitual use of the strategies, we
all display some traits of all of the types. What makes someone a Four, however, is
that the strategy at Point Four, striving to be unique, is their preferred strategy; it is
the one they habitually depend upon more than the others to navigate their lives
and it most visibly affects the traits one sees in Fours. We all also have access to,
and are driven by, all three sets of instinctive clusters, but one is dominant and
influences our behaviors and values more than the other two. Likewise, we all have
all nine core qualities and the “issues” that relate to them, but one seems to be
more of an issue; we demonstrate our particular (and often immature) version of it
more often and feel its lack of development more acutely than we do the other eight.
Let’s look at each point of the Enneagram and see what the core qualities look like
in immature and mature forms and the corresponding accelerator. This installment
of “The Notes and the Melody” will address Point One; future articles will address
the others.
“First there is a mountain then there is no mountain, then there is.”
Donovan
The Zen statement about the mountain that Donovan paraphrases in his lyric
points to a pattern of the mind: When we first glance at a mountain off in the
distance, it barely registers with us. Yes, there is a mountain, but it carries no
significance to us. When we begin to pay attention to the mountain, we start to wrap
concepts around it—we think of our love of skiing and hiking, our fear of falling off
the mountain, the marvel of plate tectonics—and the mountain disappears from our
awareness. When we let go of the concepts, we experience the mountain again, but
our experience is somehow richer. Our experience with the core quality found at
Point One, Objectivity, works in a similar way. (Merriam-Webster defines “objectivity”
as “expressing or dealing with facts or conditions as perceived without distortion by
personal feelings, prejudices, or interpretations,” a definition that works well here.)
We enter the world, while not blank slates,(6) largely free from the prejudices and
preconceptions that come to mark us later in life. The young child see things with as
if for the first time because they often are seeing things for the first time. But this
objectivity starts to fade quickly. Interpretations of past events stick to us like
barnacles and we project these interpretations onto reasonably similar experiences
that occur later. As discussed in Part Four of this series, it is human nature to
create stories, to wrap concepts around our experiences and fit them into a larger
context. At the same time, we recognize the need to maintain objectivity—not to
rush to judgment, to look for supporting facts, to keep an open mind. Thus we have
an inner conflict—a brain structured to both rush to judgment and recognize the
need to be nonjudgmental. (A similar internal conflict is found at the core quality at
each Enneagram point.)
Ones struggle with this dilemma more acutely than the rest of us: they judge while
touting their unemotional objectivity. The problem is that they struggle to separate
from their judgments long enough to see if they are being open-minded and seeing
a situation based on its own merits rather than their expectations of it and their
personal sense of correct and incorrect. Like each of us, but only more so, Ones
believe that their prejudices, preconceptions, and opinions are based on objective
data even when they are not. They maintain a demeanor of logic and rationality
while struggling to rein in subjective judgments.
Ones grow when they take time to nurture true Objectivity, the willingness to rest in
a place of non-judgment and calmly see events in a larger context rather than
squeezing them into the confines of their rigidly defined story.
Ones can create an environment that nurtures this quality by practicing the
accelerator of Acceptance (“to endure without protest or reaction; to regard as
normal, proper, or inevitable”). Ones tend to form opinions quickly, hold them tight,
and reject that which does not meet their standards or expectations. Ones benefit
from embracing—rather than fighting or resenting—the fact that the world is as it is
rather than as they think it should be. A useful practice to break out of this trap is
for Ones to look at the characteristics or behaviors they reject or judge in others (or
themselves) and “endure them without protest” at first and grow to “regard them as
normal.”
Sticking with the theme of taking baby steps discussed in the last article, I
generally recommend to Ones that they focus on one behavior of one person as a
starting point for practicing acceptance. I encourage them to calibrate their
expectations about the person in question and create a broader context for the
“offending” behavior so it becomes less troublesome.
That is, ask questions such as: Is this person capable of change? Is the behavior
really so offensive? Is it possible that I am overreacting? Is this behavior something I
can live with? Then, reframe the situation so it can be palatable—“This really isn’t
so bad,” “Her good qualities far outweigh the bad,” “Maybe I’m being too
demanding,” etc.
Here is an example of one recent intervention. (Although it was a business client
that I was coaching, it seemed most effective to start her off with a personal matter.)
Mary is a One who was often frustrated with her husband, Tom’s, inability to return
from a trip to the market with all the items she asked him to purchase. She tried
everything—writing detailed lists, calling him on his cell phone while he was at the
market to check on his progress, getting angry with him; she even tried rationally
discussing the issue to see if there was something she was doing that contributed to
this behavior that she found so infuriating. Nothing seemed to work. This issue,
while seeming harmless enough, came to epitomize what Mary viewed as Tom’s
callous inattention to the way things are supposed to be done.
When Mary discussed the situation with me, I did not debate with her about
whether her reaction Tom’s behavior was right or wrong. Instead, I asked if she felt
that her efforts were having the desired effect of making Tom remember everything
at the market and be more attentive to detail in general.
“No,” she said. “But he should be able to bring home everything I ask for.”
“That may be the case,” I said, sheepishly aware that my wife has the same
complaint about me. “But what I asked was: Are your current tactics creating the
desired changes in Tom?”
“No, they are not,” Mary said.
As we continued to discuss the situation, Mary came to realize that this one
behavior of Tom’s was not a deal-breaker; that while irritating, it didn’t happen every
time he went to the store and that even when it did happen the only real
consequence was the inconvenience of Tom having to go back to the store to
purchase what he forgot. Mary agreed to accept that Tom, like many people, is
sometimes absent-minded and that it wasn’t worth the energy to change this about
him even if she had the ability to do so. With this acceptance came the agreement
that she would not judge Tom negatively on this specific behavior, though she was
free to still criticize as much as she wanted to about all of Tom’s other irritating
behaviors. (Sorry, Tom; we’re working with baby steps here. Eventually Mary’s
acceptance will carry over into other areas.)
The aim of this sort of acceptance is the practice of letting go of useless
judgments. By focusing on what small behavior to accept in oneself or another, the
One (and all the rest of us) develops the habit of objectively seeing judgments rise
up and letting go of them. This letting go of judgment helps us see events and
actions clearly and on their own terms rather than on terms that we set for them. As
we continue to consciously practice Acceptance, the quality of Objectivity, no longer
finding itself repressed or rejected, will blossom.
And then the mountain is.
(Mario Sikora is co-author, with Robert Tallon, of “Awareness to Action: The
Enneagram, Emotional Intelligence and Change.” He can be reached at
mario@mariosikora.com.)
Footnotes:
(1) This concept was inspired by, but is different from, the concept of the
“essential aspects” found in the work of AH Almaas and Sandra Maitri. Their
“aspects” seem to have a transcendent quality similar to the Platonic Forms. That
is, they seem to be qualities of a consciousness that extends beyond the personal
and that are “eternally and primordially itself” (Almaas, “Inner Journey Home,” pg
136). The ideas described in this article are not quite as ambitious.
(2)These articles can be found on my website at www.mariosikora.com.
(3)Studies show that babies demonstrate empathy for other babies from birth,
indicating that it is a hard-wired quality. (“Reading Your Baby’s Mind,” by Pat
Wingert and Martha Brant in “Newsweek,” August 15, 2005.)
(4)Cheri is one of my heroes. I heartily encourage the reader to explore her books
(especially “There’s Nothing Wrong With You”) and visit her website at www.
livingcompassion.org. While you’re there, make a contribution to the Africa
Vulnerable Children Project, which supports AIDS orphans on that continent.
(5)See Part Two of this series at www.mariosikora.com for a discussion of the
Strategies.
(6) See Steven Pinker’s book “The Blank Slate” for an excellent discussion of this
topic.